Gut Punch

I have been writing about my journey into knowing the Father as Abba, this presents many barriers, walls, and darkness in me to be overcome by His love. I had recently received prayer ministry from a fellow brother in Christ, he led me into a place that the Lord had exposed in my heart of pain from loneliness, emptiness, and sadness. The Lord began to reveal the barriers that were in the way to encountering His presence. He began to reveal that this deep loneliness was connected to losing my dad to suicide when I was only 6 years old. It had been very difficult for my mom to go through since they were also separated for about 4 years before even though they were still technically married. She would often get overwhelmed with her own emotions so tending to shut down mine because of her own pain. I have often heard it said you can't lead someone into a place you have never been. The result was I learned how to wall off my pain and sadness but quickly became isolated, full of self-pity, and basically swallowed by the great sadness. I knew somewhere in my heart that I needed to just weep but somehow could not connect with the overwhelming emotions, due to years of learning how to suppress, stuff, and wall off this pain. As the Lord revealed that He would comfort me in my mourning, I began to sense deep pain welling up. This was what I had always longed for to be accepted in my deepest grief and loss. In reading a book "Wild at Heart" by John Eldredge I was reminded that the deepest wounds for a boy usually come from his father. I have been hurt deeply by my mother but because a father speaks into the deepest parts of a boy's heart about his identity my dad's decision to take his life has been much more devastating. The walls and barriers in my heart were coming down and the raw sadness was beginning to leak out like green slime from behind these walls. I was lead by the Lord to dig up a black briefcase from the 1970s, it had that familiar musty smell. This briefcase is like the Shack in the book "The Shack", it represents so much of my pain and loss. In the briefcase are letters, writings, tapes of my dad's sermons, pictures, and even yearbooks. As I sat down late at night to open up this briefcase along with places in my heart that are often locked up, I was struck by the similarity of my dad's struggles to my own dark night of the soul. I had more compassion for him than I had in the past, he like me was a soul in need of salvation and saving. My dad clearly wrestled with wounds from an overprotective mother and absent father who was involved in community affairs and the business world. As I began to shuffle through the contents of this old briefcase, I read a brief autobiography he wrote. He realized he was a man born in privilege and blessing, yet he seemed to resent this in light of the suffering and the little others had. As I read another letter addressed to my mom and I (a suicide note); I felt as if I had been punched in the gut as these words settled in "What I am about to do will probably disrupt if not destroy your lives (mine and my mom) - I really hope not but I don't much see how it can help doing it." This letter was written before his suicide in 1975, the single event which created ripple effects through my entire life. The words touched something so deep inside that hurt beyond description, yet I knew I must go there to receive the healing touch of the Lord I so longed for. I still at times find it hard to understand why we must revisit our deepest pains for healing but there is no other way, even today I heard of wounded soldiers returning to Iraq to visit the battlefield in hopes this would provide some healing. Another line in the letter hit me deeply as well, "Good luck and always know that I loved you both (mom and I) very much in my own perverted way." I realize I wasn't looking for the perfect father, I have so deeply just wanted his presence throughout my life in the good times and the hard times. My father did love me even though he was about ready to do something that would put that love in question. Just because my father was deceived and led down the path of death and darkness, does not mean he didn't love me deeply. I see that my struggles with my earthly father's love has distorted my view of my Heavenly Father's love. I expect the Heavenly Father to love me but eventually abandon me and not be with me when it really matters. I am so thankful that as I see who my earthly father is, the Holy Spirit is revealing the difference between my earthly father and the Father of Glory. The last line of my father's letter is so striking "Bret- fight back if you can always- it's the only way." I am not totally sure how to receive these words, I have been called a tenderhearted warrior by those who know my journey. My dad was involved in starting a communion in the early 1970s seeking a type of utopia and a revolution as he called it (I believe of love). Yet this revolution was not centered on Christ but my dad's own version of love, including ideas of the late 60's and early 70's (hippie/free love culture). I believe what my dad most deeply wanted but didn't understand was the manifestation of the Kingdom of God in the Body of Christ, a place where King Jesus brings His love, power, freedom, and life manifested in His people. My father had been a born-again believer but seemed to wander after being in Seminary. I still feel that the Holy Spirit is sorting things out in my heart and giving me a revelation of my Heavenly Father. Are you willing to go through what it requires to know the Father, not from a distance but up close? I believe knowing Him is what we were created for.

In the Father's Arms,
Bret